TEXT OF NICK CLEGG’S ACTUAL PARTY CONFERENCE SPEECH
(REMIXED WITH ACTUAL SIMULTANEOUS COMMENTS FROM TWEETERS)
Blue suit, blue lectern, blue backdrop, yellow tie
Two and a half years ago, I stood in this very hall
Tie is the colour of my school tie,
and it’s making my brane go funny.
Hold our nerve
Why two lapel mics?
Hold our nerve
Speaking in stereo now?
We’ve always been the face of change
All our dreams will appear
on hover powered motor scooters.
100,000 ideas on how to cut waste
Suggestion 100,001 – axe the post of Deputy PM
Still a lot of beards in the Lib Dems
I still think the war in Iraq was illegal.
Got a cheer
The difference is lawyers now get anxious when I mention it.
Packed but not yet passionate
seems some people are only interested in the past.
We will never lose our soul.
already sold it to the Devil
I can’t watch him any more,
sell it to the highest bidder
a bit like young Pike of Dad’s Army.
We have become more than the sum of our parts.
It sounds like a storm coming for bankers
It’s a drop in the ocean.
Two heads are usually better than one.
Walk the high street,
it’s invisible.
go to work, talk to your friends,
I would be LMAO if this wasn’t so serious
Would you ask your children to pay your credit card bill?
a Thatcher-style household analogy.
Don’t panic
Very keen to win over and reassure the faithful.
It’s quite tough
you have the opportunities you crave.
It must never happen again.
So the message is loud and clear:
Has anyone else lost track of the books
Labour people keep publishing?
All conning bollox to put it politely
Building, brick by brick, day by day,
Just imagine how different our country will be.
Not exactly a vision thing
Stick with us
It wasn’t a bad speech
Stick with us
Looks all so sincere
Stick with us
We’re stuck with U
Collaging by Flow Festival Poet in Residence Kate Fox; http://www.katefox.co.uk
